For now I am content.. Sean told me he was going up-state for a few days so I have set about on making the home a peaceful one once more. Maybe this is what he needed to come from his mood swings he has been having as of late. I worry for him, I honestly do because I was told that Sean is slow to temper but, if his anger were aroused, he could act very much like his father... And, I am uncertain as to what to make of such a comment.
I hope everyone that was going to Tahiti has a wonderful time. I wish everyone the best wherever they currently reside. And just know that I have sent everyone involved a small box of chocolates as a peace offering between them and myself --- John, Cynthia, Ringo, George, Pattie, both Paul's, Jane, Linda, Lee, Maureen, Astrid, Brian, Stuart, Yuka, and even Thelma.
I do this because there is so much hatred out in the world and I feel that none are deserving of any hating vibrations sent out in their directions. And because we are in this world together and before peace can be found in the world, it must first be found with the people you come in contact with. So, this is my plea for peace with all of you.
I cannot understand why my son is so angry and saying such negative things of people. His comment of about Jane was very uncalled for. If this young man is what I have to look forward to in my future, I do not think I want to meet John in 1966 just so to spare the world one less negative person. I try so hard to be a positive type of person but it is getting hard with Sean walking around glaring at me. He has been unhappy with me since I recieved some flowers the other day, shortly after our return from the meditational retreat. I was happy to have gotten them because they were very beautiful flowers, there was even one that much reminded me of Jane's vivid hair color.
So, Jane, I do apologize for any harsh words that were spoken of you by Sean. Perhaps he will soon settle his "nerves" down and become the nice young man he is supposed to be and all will hopefully be able to be mended.
Though I do think perhaps, part of his problem is myself. He often gives me slightly dissatisfied looks since my arrival here in the future. Perhaps he is longing for me to be more like the mother I was to him here in the future. -sigh- but alas, I am but a younger version of this woman he held so dear and her passing was inadvertantly my fault. So I think I can understand why he is so displeased with me.
Yeah. That' right. Everyone can just die. I hate people. I hate the world. The world needs to blow the fuck up. So does the asshole that sent my mom some flowers. Even though we don't know who it was, he/she can DIE so can the little hearts on the card that came with the flowers. The flowers can die too. I hope that mother fucker that was teaching me and mom meditation dies too. The only person I don't want dead is me and my mom and my Dad (John). But, if she doesn't stop gloating about her fucking flowers, mom'll be on my die list too.
Death is such a nasty thing. It is wretched and horrible. I depart with aquaintances alive and well and return to find some of them gone to the realm that lies between life and death. And now I wish Sean and myself had not gone to the meditational retreat for so long. I dearly wish I had been able to bid them goodbye while I was able to do so. Of these aquaintances, I believe it is John I most regret losing. Though I think I would much rather have considered him more of a friend than an mere aquaintance.
But, in the mists of all this sadness, George brought life into the world. I do wish them all wellness and long lives.
Tonight I will light white candles in honor of the lives that are here and those that have passed yet still remain with us on a different level and I will say a blessing for them with hopes that they will find peace wherever they reside on the planes of existance.
I am afraid I do not understand Olivia
's feelings of hatred toward Patti
. I think perhaps I agree with Yuka's comment of how she is like the cartoon/video game character lover. Perhaps if given time she will sort out her true feelings and realize that the George which resides here is not the same George, in a way, that she married. He is a much younger, unknowing of his and her future relationship, George. Though, personally, I could not see George marrying such a materialistic sort as she seems to project herself as being. But, perhaps I am just seeing things with my own eyes and not her own. So I cannot pretend to know what she truly thinks and feels for George.
As for Patti and John... I feel, at any rate, they are undeserving of hatred being sent toward them. John has shown me kindness by allowing me to help him in his new home. And Patti, though I have not really spoken with her, I feel she is kind as well. And if I cannot find it within myself to hate George for having a more-than-platonic relationship with my future husband... Why should Patti and John be so subjected to anti-feelings from a woman that will not be meeting George for another 10 years or so? Perhaps her eyes are simply blind to the love John and George share.
And the guide to true happiness is accepting that which is given to you... even if that which you were given is not what you feel you desire. She should be joyful for the fact George has love even if it is not with her. Perhaps in time, she will accept this and be happy for George and John, and cease to dislike Patti.
MEXICIAN LAW ENFORCEMENT AND LAWS SUCK!
With the risk of sounding "Bates Motel"ish I will say:
Mother and I are very displeased.
She was in for "impersonating a celebrity with malicious intent" (as I said in the previous entry). But they decided to keep me too once I went to pay the bail and they saw I had lots of money in my wallet. They said it was for me acting like a smart ass when I went to pay mom's bail... But they let me out when I offered to "pay both bails and then a little extra". But anyway, here I am once again. And I'm waiting for mom to finsih her (so far) five hour bath so I can get one... mexician jails are so dirty... I think if I were to ever be put in a jail again I would perfer an Amercian one where they have things called "due process" and allow people to make phone calls (I only knew mom was going to jail because I was on the phone with her and they snatched her phone away while arresting her).
Well, the hackers at the hospital let me go a day early. So, I'm back home and back to my usual sitting on my ass doing nothing routine only with morphine added in to take care of the sharp pains associated with my injuries.
Oh, John, Mom wanted me to let you know that she didn't go home last night because she got lost and ended up at the Mexican border and now she's in a Mexican jail for "impersonating a celebrity with malicous intent" or some other reason I'm sure they made up off the top of their head.
And to Yuka... wherever she may be right this moment...
Anyways, I have to see if I can go pay those Mexicans a big bail and get mom out.
Mon, Sep. 1st, 2003, 09:13 am
First of all, I wish to apologize to John... I never intended to abandon you. I wish I could have been at the apartment for the past few days but I was... unable to do so. Sean had had an accident in his car and needed me to be there for him since I was a relative with the same blood type... Sean also sends his apologies and pleas for forgiveness for any harm that has been caused because of him.
Second, I wish to apologize to Ringo for any harm myself or my son have caused him. Whilst Sean was awake, he also wished me to send his plea for forgiveness to you as well.
Thirdly, I wish to apologize for missing Stuart and Astrid's wedding... It sounds as if it was a very lovely occasion. And I congratulate John and Ringo on their marriage as well, it is not often people will admit to having a traditional gay handfasting... or any handfasting for that matter due to the fact it is a pagan event.
Fourthly, to George, I am uncertain as to what this is for, but Sean sends his apologies and pleas for forgiveness to you as well. His words were "Just tell George I'm sorry... for everything."
Sean also sends his apologies to everyone he may have forgotten to include and he "knows" he forgot to include in them... such as Yuka, Maureen, myself (???), and many others.
Sean and I also have this warning for everyone... "Becareful when driving in less populated areas with trees around... Do not be listening to music loudly so you pay no attention to the roads and do not see a huge deer about to bound into your path. And lastly, if you do decide to swirve to miss the deer, try not to turn the wheel sharply and directly into a tree."
He had been on his way to meet some friends and go camping but had a certain time to be there, so he had also been speeding when it all happened, I make this plea to try your best to obey speed limits.
I am very thankful for this... cellular phone thing Sean gave me. Without it, I would not have known of his accident until I had already made it back to John's flat. But, as it was, I recieved the call only moments I had left Sean's living establishment (which I had been cleaning up after he had left). Though I do not know if I was comforted by "Your son escaped more serious injuries because he had on his seat belt." It hurts me to think what could have happened had he not been wearing it... But, he should be able to go home in a few days so then he will be able to once again correspond with everyone.
Since I am unsure if I have a place in John's flat anymore, I will stay at Sean's place until further notice.
I haven't killed myself. I haven't been "wacking off" to pictures of ANYONE. I DID however have to get my stomach pumped this morning because I accidentally took too many of my sleeping pills. And yes it was an accident... One didn't work so I took another, that one didn't work so I took yet another... and so forth until the whole bottle was gone.
However, mom managed to get into my room while I was still somewhat conscious and called 911. So, here I am, home in my room after getting my stomach pumped, surrounded by things to remind me of
I don't see why mom bothered... No one wants me around anyways so it's not like they would have missed me if I had fallen to sleep.
Tue, Aug. 26th, 2003, 11:03 pm
I think I am getting concerned... I have several times been in and out of Sean's home and each time he has been within his room with the same song blaring through his radio. I knocked upon his door but there was no answer and it is locked.
I am very uncertain as to what I should do... I worry he may have done something and has hurt himself. But, I do not wish to burst in there in the event he has taken his sleeping medication and is simply resting...
I do believe I will find a screw driver and open his door to make sure he is fine...